This was written last week, but I didn't have my computer, so I hand wrote it. Finally now getting around to posting it:
I thought that since I am having one of my issues right now I would jot some of my thoughts down.
I picked Monkey up from Backup Daycare today. I always get a little nervous sending her to the backup because it can "blend" the germs. She is exposed to other kid's germs that she's never been exposed to before, and for some reason that makes me think that puts a higher change of getting sick. I held myself silent when I was tempted to ask the daycare lady if there had been anything "going around?" But I did not feed my fear and ask her. Besides, what good would it have done to know anyways? NOTHING! It's not like I can stay home with her just because some kid last week may or may not have had a stomach virus.
What really sparked my issues today was when we were getting ready to leave the daycare she asked for some milk. Not in a normal way, but in a desperate sort of way. but isn't every way a two year old asks for something it's in a desperate way? Anyways, Daycare lady got her a sip of water and that was the end of it. She did say that Monkey didn't sleep very long today and that she will probably be tired. No Problem, this Momma knows how to handle a tired child.
So I was quickly over that almost scary thought when we got home and Monkey slammed a whole glass of milk, then asked for water and tried slamming that too. Why is my child so thirsty? Is there something wrong with her? I even go to the extend of asking her if her tummy hurts. Now she was watching cartoons at the time, and if I were to have asked her if she liked eating poopy, I probably would have gotten the same answer...which was yeah. (Not funny though because just last week our dog inhaled a huge hunk of Monkey's shit from her potty chair, but that is another story.) Anyways, I knew her tummy didn't hurt, but I still truly thought something was off. I'm sure I imagined it all from scratch (this coming from a woman with no imagination whatsoever, other than imagining sickness.) Now the key was to see if she's hungry. This girl almost never turns down any knd of food, except if she's sick. But she said "YES" to food. I was so happy. She ate, and she ate alot.
But I already wasn't feelng very good. It is amazing how quckly I can make myself feel sick. We didn't really have anything else in the house, except the Oatmeal Monkey at (yuck), but what do I decide to make? Ramen Noodles. I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to make those, because those always gives me a gut ache when I ingest those. While I was eating them, something in my brain was telling me I shouldn't continue eating them. I'm sure it was just the anxiety telling me what it thought of me trying to eat "normally." I did already have what I would maybe call a mini gut ache, but it was pretty low, and I'm guessing it was because of the fact I haven't shit normal for a week because I keep taking those damn Anti-Emetic drugs (which cause some plugging) Sorry about the TMI, but I think I warned you in my first post about this.
Now Monkey has been sleeping for almost and hour; she ate normal, she drank normal, she bathed normal, and she whined normal...... So what the fuck is wrong with me???
I'm PISSED, that's what I am. I'm pissed that I let one little thought, or one little tummy ache rule my entire evening. Seriously?
I pray to the Lord and thank him for always getting me through my anxieties in the past, whether I asked him to or not, (Usually I have some serious one-on-one time with God when I'm feeling down.) I put my hand on my stomach and one hand on my head and I ask God to heal them both. Assist my brain to strengthen against this fear, and to help me understand it more to take the discomfort out of my body.
Normally I can't write about my "issues" unless I'm actually in one, and that is probably why I'm most frustated tonight, because I actually have to write it. Like physically write it. My computer charger is broke so if I don't hold it just quite perfect my computer will die instantly. And it's pretty hard to type with just one hand; even though I know that'ss still how the hubby types :). Another frustrating this about no access to my computer is that I can't post or read stuff on my Emet Facebook group. We are a group of about 55 members right now and it's quickly growing. I think even just a month or two ago there was only a handful of people in the group. It is a very private group filled with other Emets, men and women. We discuss our struggles, tips, angers. And when someone is having a rough day regarding their Emet stuff, the post about it, and all the other Emets provide assurance and guidence to get through these struggles. It is pretty amazing to see a large group of strangers come together and help eachother. Let me know if you also struggle with Emetophobia and I will let you know how to get into that group.
I do worry a little aout being involved in this Facebook group, however. I don't feel I struggle horribly with Emetophobia. I go to work everyday, I send my Monkey to daycare, I go out and socialize in public places (sometimes not my favorite thing to do, but I guess neither is work.) But some Emets struggle to do any of those things. I just want to avoid feeding my fears any more than I have to. I do notice it effects me a little. Reading posts reminds me I should lysom my house more often, bleach clean the counter, and wash our hands when we come home, etc. Now don't get me wrong, these are good things to do, even for Non-Emets, but unnecessary to thing about all the time. Do I now look at the groceries I just brought into my house and ask myself if I should wipe down ever single item before putting them away, why yes I do. But I don't. If I did bleach the shit out of everthing I bring into my house I would be feeding my fear. I even eat sometimes without washing my hands; I am fighting against my fears.
I do fear sometimes that if I post too much about my anxiety and Emet stuff that people will start thinking this controls my life. It doesn't. It sure is a part of it though. I am also not writing to get any type of pty from anyone. I post so you can get an inside look into someones brain that struggles with anxiety issues. For example, just last week when I posted about going to bed early and having anxiety issues over the thought, I had several people ask me how I slept that night. I slept fine, I went to bed by 10:30 and slept like a rock. (It probably helped the fact that I took an extra Adivan.) I am apsolutely fine with people talking to me about it, and I enjoy it when someone bring it up and says "I never knew this stuff about you before," but don't feel obligated to. I've struggled with this for many years, and never needed any pity (ok, I did want it a few times) but thats not why I post.
Sorry this got so long, can you see why I was frustrated I had to hand write this whole post. I really needed to get those thoughts down though, but I forgot how long it takes to hand write things, wow. Until next time, everyone stay healthy and happy!
