-I'm angry because my mom has cancer. I'm angry because I feel I don't have the right to be angry. It's not me fighting the battle taking in that poison they call Chemo. It's not me that hurts so bad I can't get out of bed. It's not me that's nauseous day in and day out. But I am the daughter. I'm angry because it has changed her and everyone around her. I'm selfishly angry because now I have a much higher chance of getting breast cancer myself. I'm angry because it's a realty now that I could lose my mommy. And that's not a very good feeling.
-I'm angry that I have this stupid phobia, called Emetophobia. I'm angry that I can't go one day without having some fearful thought that today "I'm going to be sick." I'm angry that when I now talk about it openly, I still feel judged, even by my husband. I'm angry that no matter what my conscious mind tells me is rational, I still get the shakes and heart race every time I maybe feel a little "funny."
-I'm angry that my Employer found out I'm looking for a new job, just because someone thought it would be so beneficial for them to call my current employer for a reference, before I gave them authorization to do so. I'm angry that I had to sit through two very uncomfortable meetings and come up with some bullshit smack as to why I'm applying for a new job while still try and save my ass from being "let go" when slow season comes around. I'm angry that I couldn't just come out and tell them why I want to leave (but who would that really benefit?) Not this girl! I still need to work.
-I'm angry that I'm lazy. Yes, lazy. I'm angry that there isn't something medically wrong with me that I can use as an excuse as to why i'm so lazy (like deficient in Vitamin D or something). Trust me, I've checked. I'm angry that I bought an exercise bike to assist in my laziness, but I'm too lazy to use it. I'm angry that because of my phobia of getting sick, I can't use my bike for more then ten minutes in fear it will make me nauseous and get sick. Number two and four on this list obviously go hand in hand.
-I'm angry that I'm trying to ween off my anti-anxiety/depression medication because I believe I don't need it, nor do I want to be on it. I'm angry because I thought it was going so smoothly, but obviously it's not going so well, hence the post?
-I'm angry that I'm posting this, but I not use to complaining, so I'm sure I will regret it. But hey, what the hell?
-Let just say, I'm just feeling angry today.
You're not "lazy" - you're depressed. Depression doesn't so much mean sad as it does depleted, exhausted. Melancholy is a side-effect. All I can say is let the anger motivate you to put one foot in front of the other, but don't let it plat seeds of self-loathing. Biking won't make you vomit. No one has ever vomited from riding a bike, unless they were really, really drunk. So start at a leisurely pace, watch a TV show while you do it to keep your mind off of things, don't push yourself & you might find wanting to speed up in a few weeks. The only thing that makes it better is pushing through your discomfort, little by little, over time. Sometimes you win, sometimes you end up shaking in a corner, but get up again and push through. You can do it & you won't puke. PROMISE. :)
ReplyDeletelol, thanks. But I have been "Lazy" most of my life, and depression has only played a small role in contributing to it. And I still am worried that riding my bike with cause me to be sick, as just a few weeks ago I rode it, and may have exhauseted myself just a whee bit much (doesn't take much, I am quite out of shape) and I got that after exersice nausea. It didn't last long, and it was comforting to know where it came from, but I am nervous if it happens again I could get more nauseous. But deep down I know I won't get sick from it. Just worries. -Thanks for the comment!
DeleteHugs!!! Does typing this all out help you? I have tried it from time to time when I am anxious and upset. Keep it up! Reading from others who have the same feelings helps those of us who struggle too!! Sheila
ReplyDeleteActually, It does seem to help. It gets me a little anxious when I have to click "publish". I've made this a very public blog, posted to my facebook for all the friends and family to read. There are times where I've regretted that decision, but for the most part, I think it's been helping. Thanks for the comment.
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